MU: Just a Rant

I am sick, and tired, and sick and tired of everything to do around me. I feel melancholic, dramatic, fragile and imbalanced at the same time. Truth be told, maybe I just need a shrink. Unfortunately, for the shrink, we will probably end up analyzing each other instead. It is just a skill I picked up while reading through one too many philosophical texts and sitting through one too many emotional release sessions. I have been honing it ever since. Not to say that it is 100% accurate, but I would like to think that way. Or maybe I’m just bigoted. Yeah, add that to the ‘what-am-I-feeling’ list.

Reading back my above paragraph, I sound like I am high on drugs. Well, that may not be too far from the truth. I do feel high, though not from drugs. More like a self-induced plethora of feelings that I had left to fester for more than 24 months. It has emerged now, more potent than ever, to unleash its vengeance upon me for sealing it away. And the funny thing is, I don’t even know why I had that mesh of feeling in the first place.

I just had to answer a call from a salesman not even a minute ago. Now, although I should have felt completely justified to hang up on him, I could not bring it upon myself to do so. Why? Because I had felt that it was impolite and against social conventions that I had been thought. Had it been my brother, he would have hung up without a hint of hesitation. Instead, I had to converse with him for some time before I found it safe to bid goodbye, and even then I have this lingering feeling of guilt.

As I finished the phone call, I found myself having a better idea of where those mixture of feelings come from. It is from my own inability to let go of certain matters, be it matters of fate, choice or conventions that had been set down in stone eons ago. Perhaps, my ineptitude in accepting my predicaments is not the only factor to blame. I had also been actively evading from these matters at hand, burying them deep in the darkest dungeons of my soul.

Maybe it is time for me to let go of certain matters and look to the future. Easily said, but hardly executed. As I seal the vestiges of my problems away under a mask of acceptance, I wonder.. and once again I am interrupted by a phone call. It seems that I have gotten rather popular today. Well, maybe something to distract me from this mass of undefined feelings is not so bad after all. At least, I can continue procrastinating dealing with it until, maybe, I can finally accept them.


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