Shades of Grey

Everyone dreams; some people like them, some people hate them, some people interpret them, others couldn’t be bothered with them. Ancient people believed that dreams were premonitions or signs warning them of the future, coming up with a score and more interpretations for all kinds of dreams. Psychoanalysts thought that dreams were echoes of the repressed psyche, a sort of channel for humans to release their pent-up sexual perversions. Although this idea is now considered as a product of the demonization of sex back during the Victorian era, Freudian interpretations are still (pretty widely) used to interpret dreams today, together with the grimoires of old.

Whether dreams are merely ‘noise’ in our brains, or a message from some paranormal entity, it is indisputable that dreams form one of the weirdest aspects of our life. In our dreams, the orderly laws of reality and logic are not as binding; opening up an avenue for even the most amazing and outlandish things to happen. As a matter of fact, many writers, artists and sometimes, even scientists draw their inspiration and ideas from the land of dreams for their work.

As an aspiring writer myself, most of my earlier ideas also originated from the realm of Morpheus. However, as I grew up, I started dreaming less and less (or perhaps I started remembering my dreams less and less) until I realised that most of the time, I awoke to a memory of darkness, no dreams, nothing at all. Whether that is a good or bad thing remained to be seen, back then, but I guess I did not really mind the respite from life sleep provides. It is an efficient channel to forget, washing away all emotions; happiness, elation, fears and sorrow, in one fell swoop.

Lately, I have been dreaming a lot more. My friends have attributed it to tiredness, to stress, to food, to exercise, to everything under the sun, the moon and the stars. Why this happened, I may never know. But after many strange and bizarre dreams (of which not all were pleasant), I have come to enjoy this little vacation away from being me. After all, there isn’t much fun in being me; life in a Singaporean university is often stressful and unrewarding, and me being me, there are not much outlets for me to drain all these negative emotions into anyway.

My dream last night was the most bizarre yet. It was never fun to dream of being hunted, and this one proves to be no exception. The fear and anxiety was so thick in the atmosphere; it was almost palpable. It had all the hallmarks of some backwater sci-fi movie; a desolate world, little (if any) humans, super-predators out for your skin, blood, mutilation, death, destruction, the whole nine yards. I think I even recall some form of cannibalism being practiced, now my memory has been jogged. There was even this group of sickos who mutilated people to squeeze them (still alive) into small boxes, and them put them on display. Kind of reminds me of Vlad the Impaler, only this one group’s imaginary.

Ahh… Perhaps I really do need more rest. If my subconscious is tired enough to conjure sick images in my dreams, it probably is high time to do so anyway.

I remember a time not too long ago, when I yearned to be older. Not much older, just old enough for my parents to take what I say seriously, and not just simple brush it off as innocence, naivete, or ramblings of youth. Now, at 20, I realise that parents never really stop viewing their children as children, and will always consider some things their children say that way. Things like ‘you’re not old enough’ or ‘wait until you have your own children’ are probably what one would come across being uttered by their parents while growing up.

Growing up do have its pleasures; increased freedom, being the most important (and probably the only worthwhile one) of them. On the flip side, we find ourselves piled with heavier responsibilities and expectations, as what happens when society begins to recognize you as an adult. Gone are the student fares, childhood friends, scholarships and youth camps, replaced with the hassle of adjusting to the workforce and the rigid constraints and rules of the adult world.

There is an aspect nested inside me who really does not want to grow up. This aspect enjoys the innocence of childhood, where everything is so mystical and interesting. Growing up replaces this magical feeling with the rigid walls of the adult mindset, who seeks to impose their order in this universe. A mindset where rigour, logic and profitability is heavily valued, where creativity and imagination is very much more of a second thought. How much of this is due the advent of science, and how much is not? We cannot be sure.

Science is a wonderful thing. It has given us many wonders; the fire, the engine, the telephone, the aeroplane, the computer, and the promise of many more wonderful inventions to come. But most importantly, it has given us the ability to predict, to impose order on this seemingly disorderly universe. It has opened the door for humans to harness and manipulate this disorder into a form which benefits us.

But of course, science is not the only tool man has used to shape the universe to his will. There are other forces at play; a force known as legal enforcement. The definition of a state differs according to who you ask. However, perhaps the one aspect they all agree upon, is that the state has to maintain a monopoly on legal violence. Oh, did I say violence? I meant legal enforcement.

In the history of legal enforcement, the law has always been upheld with the threat of violence, or what we prefer to call, punishment. The law is supposed to exist to protect the rights of the disadvantaged from being abused by others. However, the perception on who is ‘disadvantaged’ changes according to the times and tide. One second, it is the weak that is disadvantaged, the other, it is the strong.

Thus, law upon law is piled upon one another, never quite reaching perfection. We would like to believe that it is, that the laws are reaching perfection, that we would one day all be equal, that a system that have worked for millennia will continue to work and will one day be perfected. Very idealistic? But of course, all of us are, for we all wait in inaction for a miracle to happen.

So, our freedom to act is shackled by the institution we praise as the law; our freedom to think is chained by the knowledge that has come before us, the logic known as science. What more do we have left for ourselves? The delusion known as the ‘good old days’ and our escapist imagination, hoping that one day, perhaps in our lifetime, but more than likely (greater than a great many degrees of nine) not, this utopia of ours will arrive, and we will be in complete contention. Most people prefer to escape in another way though, through the promise of utopia known as religion.

Is this what growing older is about? Perhaps Peter Pan was right after all..

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First and foremost, I don’t really have four assignments waiting for me under my wings. The title is just a blatant plagiarisation of some nursery rhyme tune that I have playing over and over again in my head in the recent week. It doesn’t help that my stress is compounded by some other reasons (which perhaps is not such a good idea to reveal – as they are rather private) wreaking havoc on my mind. However, it is not up to me to dictate how the world goes. Rather, I can just merely hope that events would play out in a way that would alleviate the chaos that is my feelings right now.

As for assignments, this semester has had a lot of them; much more than last semester, anyway. Unfortunately, assignments are not the only challenge that you face in university; there are also the ever-present tutorials, the quizzes (which some professors saw apt to increase to 5 quizzes per module) and of course, the presentations which you have to do. I understand that the lecturers do this to inject life into the modules, but I can’t help but see the drawbacks of this particular arrangement.

We live in a boiling pot where everyone is trying to outdo each other. And this boiling pot’s name is Singapore (can’t help but be a bit dramatic there). Because of the sheer competitiveness here, grades are the father, the son and the holy spirit of your educational life in Singapore. Of course, when you apply for some tricky little thingys in the educational system like ’scholarships’, they also say they look at your co-curricular achievements, but do not be fooled. The main yardstick you are still judged by is your academic score, grades and total number of As (which are exactly the same thing).

That being said, it should be painfully obvious to professors and students alike that throwing students down into the deep end with all these quizzes and assignments are a recipe for disaster. Again, that being said, disaster has already struck, but is still being treated with little or no importance, aside from a few emails from our esteemed president of the institution. And, true to our status as students with ‘too much time’ in our hands, myriads of ‘conspiracy theories’ have floated out into campus lore, colouring all parts of the visible spectrum, from feasible to extremely unlikely.

In my humble opinion, offering consultancy sessions to students who are stressed often do not help, if the source of the stress itself is not eliminated. It does not help that some people naturally have more stress than others, or are affected by stress from external sources as well. I have no idea when this has happened in university, but it feels as if the professors sees us as merely homework/assignment-churning machines, instead of the human beings we are.

You may object, even violently, to this. I know of professors who are not like that too, but who are really nice and likable people, just like you and me. Professors are just as human as you and me (yes – this is a major revelation in your life, i know). They would be nice to you if you know them well. Unfortunately for us, most of us are mere strangers to the professor, who they barely see or interact with. A wall would be more important than you, because a wall will at least block their way when they walk – you don’t. Thus, invoking the humanistic spirit that we all have, we couldn’t care less about other people, unless they’re dying, dead or suffering (of which we only fall into the latter – but hardly any human rights activist would consider studying too much a ’suffering’) and even then, we might not care (refer to cases of social apathy? in psychology).

In the viewpoint of the professor : Will you be kind to a statistic who is not really suffering that much? You went through the same and survived. Why should you?

Perhaps it is time we introspect ourselves and see the flaws of the world as they are, like this for one. After all, what works is not necessarily what’s best or what’s right.

You are The Devil

Materiality. Material Force. Material temptation; sometimes obsession

The Devil is often a great card for business success; hard work and ambition.

Perhaps the most misunderstood of all the major arcana, the Devil is not really “Satan” at all, but Pan the half-goat nature god and/or Dionysius. These are gods of pleasure and abandon, of wild behavior and unbridled desires. This is a card about ambitions; it is also synonymous with temptation and addiction. On the flip side, however, the card can be a warning to someone who is too restrained, someone who never allows themselves to get passionate or messy or wild – or ambitious. This, too, is a form of enslavement. As a person, the Devil can stand for a man of money or erotic power, aggressive, controlling, or just persuasive. This is not to say a bad man, but certainly a powerful man who is hard to resist. The important thing is to remember that any chain is freely worn. In most cases, you are enslaved only because you allow it.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Took me half a year to find out I got tagged, you know. You really should inform me some other way, Jiayee.

1. The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
2. Each player answers the questions about themselves.
3. At the end of the post the player then tags 5 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves a comment, letting them know they got tagged and to ask them to play and read your blog.

Starting time: 3.40am – Forgive me if I sound insane then (:
Name: Chew
Sisters: None
Brothers: 1 younger
Shoe Size: 13 – 12 if B cut shoes.
Height: 184 cm – about 6 ft.

Where do you live: NTU
Favourite drinks: Soya Bean Milk
Favourite breakfast: Simple toast and half-boiled eggs, with a drink (cofferr or milo would do)

Have you ever been on a plane?: Several times
Swam in the ocean: Does near the beach count?
Fallen asleep at school: You kidding?
Broken someone’s heart: Yes
Fell off your chair: While doing sitting on two legs
Sat by the phone all night waiting for someone to call: You feel better when you actually get the call
What is your room like: Ask my roommate
What’s right beside you: Instant noodle plate, textbooks, unfinished tutorials, plus a mess of my table
What is the last thing you ate: Chocolate spread (:

Ever had chicken pox: Once
Sore throat: Quite often
Stitches: Sometimes
Broken nose: No

Do you believe in love at first sight: With my bed, probably? I’m sleepy. Or my pillow.
Like picnics: Would be nice, been some time since I had one.

Who was, were the last person you danced with: My ex. Speaking of which, someone still owes me a dance. (:
Last made you smile: The sight of one of my friends trying to communicate with a stray cat.
You last yelled at: Accidentally yelled at my aunt when she kept nagging me

Today did you:
Talk to someone you like: Yes, my roommate, a couple of friends, etc.
Kissed anyone: Not today
Get sick: Not yet
Talk to an ex: Maybe?
Miss someone: My friends in Malaysia, din really get to visit them during CNY
Eat: Yes

Best feeling in the world: The feeling of being able to sleep soundly tonight
Do you sleep with stuffed animals: Just one
What’s under your bed: Dust?
Who do you really hate: Politicians and bureaucrats, and don’t forget the arrogant idiots next-cubicle types.
What time is it now?: 3.53am

5 things I was doing 10 years ago
1. Sleeping
2. Reading astronomy
3. Playing ping-pong
4. Cycling
5. Watching TV

5 things on my to-do list today:
1. French and Economics tutorials
2. Updating my blog
3. Lunch with a friend
4. Unsent greeting cards
5. Sleeeeeepppppppp

5 snacks I enjoy:
1. Cookies
2. Chocolate
3. Watermelon
4. Banana
5. Bread

5 things I would do if I were a billionaire:
1. Make money work for me (i.e. invest)
2. Run off somewhere scenic and where I have no worries
3. Make the world a better place
4. Pass the money to the real me, who is sleepy and not very happy to be made thinking such wishful, but unfulfilling thoughts right now
5. Make myself a trillionaire (:
5 of my bad habits:
1. Some funny stuff I do when I’m thinking (Always get scolded for it)
2. Irritating people
3. Procrastination (This should be number 1)
4. Philosophical discussions out of the blue
5. Internet addiction

5 places I have lived/stayed a night in:
1. My bedroom at home
2. My hostel room
3. My friend’s room/house
4. Beside a fridge in a pantry (Don’t ask)
5. An escape stairway (Again, don’t ask)

5 things I will do after complete what im busy wif:
1. SLEEP
2. SLEEP
3. SLEEP
4. SLEEP
5. Wait.. I have free time?

5 people I tag:
1. Shu Heng (because you’ll be reading this)
2. Yingzi (and no – I’m a guy, and even if I’m a girl, I doubt I’ll think like that)
3. Eve (better than your constant sulking in China)
4. Kok Xian (because you tagged me somewhere else, I think)
5. Fei (you need to relax…)

Dispassionately sitting in front of your computer with a pile of work in front of you is not the best of experiences. Sometimes, I just feel that I have lost touch with the world, as I feel so disconnected with this plane of existence. Not to say I am not up to living in the present; I actually find myself more than capable to handle life’s little challenges that come floating along my way. It is just my tendency to find all possible methods to escape from this reality that I have unwittingly fallen into that incessantly haunts me.

One of my favourite methods of escapism is probably through contemplation. Like a philosopher, I try to find the truth that lies beneath the superficialness of this world. But, is there even a truth waiting to be found? You can contemplate the meaning of life until your beard grows to the length of Rapunzel’s hair, but you are still very unlikely to be able to find the meaning that you contemplate, unless you give your own meaning to life. But, indeed, what is life? What lies after life? Why are we here?

These are probably the major questions about existence that frequently plays about in one’s mind. Some of you out there might just scoff at these thoughts, blaming the incoherency of the mind for the ramblings of this individual. However, have you actually sat down to contemplate these matters, life somehow turns out to be so ridiculous. From dust we have come, to dust we will return; why then are we trying so hard in life? why are we so obsessed with this fleeting ‘life’ as we have come to live it? What is ‘life’ even?

Unfortunately for those who wish to further argue this matter, men do not really know the nature of life beyond the descriptive ideas in our biology textbooks. What is this elusive consciousness that alows us the miracle called ‘thought’? Is it just neurons firing in our grey matters? So far, that is the only physical manifestation of thought that we have empirically observed, but that might not be all there is to this mystery.

The Russians once used a slogan to promote communism; 2+2=5. A mathematical impossiblity? True enough, but let’s not be such a stickler to the rules and observe this statement further. 2+2 is obviously 4, but here the claim is that 2+2 can make 5; so what are they trying to say? This is just a another way of saying that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Do you think so? Some people say no. Certain philosophical circles, at least. Science disagrees, with its ideas of compartmentalization and Western logic. By saying that this is true, entire fields of study in science could collapse, as we study science under a microscope; we zoom in for the micro picture before extrapolating it to the macro picture.

Buddhist philosophies, however, are slightly different in their approach. In a sense, they agree with the statement that the whole is greater than the sum of its parts. I am not the foremost expert in Buddhist philosophy, but let me give you an elucidation of this idea.

Let A be an object. (e.g. a flower)
Consider the components  that make up the object. (e.g. stalk, petals, smell, earth, etc.)

Buddhist philosophy states that the ‘object’ that we know it, does not exist, and is merely an ‘idea’.
To clarify, the object (i.e. the chair) does not exist, but is merely an ‘idea’ that comes into existence based on the interaction between the components (i.e. stalk, petals, smell, earth, etc.) that we experience.

Therefore, all objects in this universe is merely interactions between other interactions, between other interactions, and so on. Then, what are objects truly? I dont know. Maybe I should dwell deeper, but perhaps, this is one of those instances where we just say the whole is greater than the sum of its parts.

If there is one thing that Malaysia is superior to Singapore, it is in the sheer number of public holidays, school holidays and whatever-else-holidays we manage to cook up in a given fiscal year. Unfortunately, being a Malaysian myself, I have come to rely on the (relatively) long breaks during the festive season; one particular habit that even three years in Singapore has failed to fix. So, we international students who want to go home for the festive season, will tend to use our creative juices to compensate for this shortcoming. It usually manifests itself in the form of decreases in attendance, justified by a plethora of different excuses; but other more devious incarnations are not wholly uncommon either. I have decided to stick with the excuse of crossing over the international line three times lately, accounting for my astonishing  and unexplained 72-hour disappearance. Maybe I’ll even get points for originality there.

On another note, my return this year is a rather interesting experience, despite the fact that it is so pathetically short. For one thing, I managed to meet up with a long lost primary school friend, purely coincidentally while I was housevisiting with Victor’s group. I might not have liked my primary school very much, but you really cannot beat the feeling of trading primary school stories with someone who has gone through the same thing. Maybe it is just the sense of identification that proved so wonderfully enchanting, but it is definitely one feeling that I absolutely would not mind drowning myself in.

After some mahjong and cards, and a long session of gaming, the housevisiting group ended up travelling to Klang to find some Bak Kut Teh for dinner. That is probably one mistake this impressionable group of young adults would not make again. Most of the Bak Kut Teh shops in Klang is closed (not really a big surprise -  it was just the third day of chinese new year, after all) and we circled aroudn the city like lost sheep, looking desperately for an open one. Lady Luck was not on our side though, and we ended up travelling all the way back to Kepong, where luckily, we managed to find an open Bak Kut Teh shop.

Now, because of that little delay, I ended up staying overnight in my grandmother’s house instead, driving me behind schedule in my homework. Perhaps I should do something about my procrastination habits; it is really coming back to bite me in the behind lately. The next day, I settled for a trip all over the Kepong area, visiting people who are at home on day 4, which are few and far in between, since most of them are either still in their hometowns or went out for their little outings to god-knows-where.

And now, I am back here to the grinding stone in Singapore again. Well, at least I got a card waiting for me to read after this. Perhaps it is these little pleasures in life that we should learn to enjoy, and not worry too much about the big things that are not directly under our control.

If there’s one thing about my brain that I don’t like, it is the fact that it seems to have a mind of its own (aside form mine, of course). I could swear I heard a malicious snigger somewhere in the recesses of my mind just now. I have neglected this blog for some time now, not because I have nothing to say, but because I have not had the mood to actually update it, or the patience to type my normal long entries in my computer. This becomes especially true when I haven’t even enough time to get myself some entertainment, let alone time to structure and type out my lengthy blog entries.

As for why I was condemning my brain, it is more of the fact that I have an exam coming up in a few hours, and try as I might, I could not seem to concentrate on studying at the current moment. Thus, here I am, updating this blog after a long period of hiatus. To be honest, I do not find french especially difficult or distasteful, but more of another extension of english that would be pretty interesting when learnt. The fact that I am still struggling with the basic grammar, and the gender of inanimate objects does tend to murk this feeling up a bit, unfortunately.

Aside from my french predicament, I am also chalking up a spending problem. Food is no longer catered as in my JC years, but have to be bought now. This has led to a more abrupt decline in my finances, and caused me to think of alternative sources of financing. One of the options I considered is tuition, but the transport will be a problem. I may yet be able to come to a compromise for that though, because I have a plan in motion..

My hall in NTU is Hall 14, one of the more isolated halls in the university and is situated a full twenty-minute stride away from my faculty. As the bus tends to get a little inefficient sometimes (definitely not as bad as Malaysia’s buses), I tend to walk to school more, unless I am hopelessly late, in which case, it didn’t matter if I did bother to walk, since I will be late anyway. There is also another person from Kepong in my hall, Kok Xian, from Kepong Baru. Pretty coincidental, since I really did not expect it.

Perhaps it is because we are from a similar hometown, but we turned into close friends pretty quickly. Maybe it is because it is my third year in Singapore, but the first-year freshmen seems wholly insecure to me. They coagulate into groups very quickly, and the group bonds could dissolve just as quickly. Did this happen during my JC1 year? Perhaps, but I am really not very sure about it now. Maybe I am so comfortable in Singapore because I do have a group of friends who I have been around for two years already, namely my JC friends and classmates.

Back to my hometown-mate, he made an observation that couples form very quickly in university. From what I can see, it is not entirely true, but I do not deny that the courting process does go faster here than compared to JC. Is it because of the additional time spent together? Or another matter altogether? Either way, it does not matter much to me, though I do feel a twinge of discomfort witnessing some of the more blatantly open PDAs around.

Well, time’s up. Guess it is back to studying for me. Wish me luck for the exams later?

A/N: There was some problem with the system and this post ended up not published.

There was once this poem titled exactly as the above (I am sure Malaysian students would recall). It is about the choices the poet has made in life, and in the poem, he reminisces on what would have happened had he made a different choice in life. Although the poem eventually has a happy ending – in which the poet is satisfied with his choice, it does pose the question that most of us ask at some point or another in our lives. What would have happened had I chose differently?

The problem is simple; the answer is not. Like in the multiverse theory, there could be infinite possibilities that could have occured had we chosen differently in that situation. Some of us may lament opportunities long lost; but the fact that we have chosen differently alone, could have probably affected the outcome of the oppotunity itself. Or, perhaps I am just consoling myself in this matter. However, it doesn’t make the logic in the above statement any less true – although I do admit that the scenario above is highly unlikely.

Men have wasted away regretting the past and dreaming of the future. Although retrospection and planning is a good thing, we must also come to the conclusion that we live in the present and not just ignore the fact. And the fact is, none of us can change the past or predict the future. It is in this view that I find the poet’s retrospection through ‘The Road Not Taken’ not only futile, but depressing. After all, it is not too hard to paint a picture of success had we taken a different choice; nor is it too hard to lament a vision of despair.

While retrospection is not completely without use (we could sometimes learn a thing or two from our past mistakes – on the other hand, humans never learn, as history has proven), it is very much unhealthy for us to allow retrospection to take control of our life. The same goes for planning for the future, really. As beings in the present (a fact which will not change any time soon), we should cherish the present, and leave past graves unmarked and chart (not obsessively) our future.